Draft Dysphonia

fwa

This past couple weeks for me have been completely mired in un-success. I’ve been trying to put out something for the blog for a while now but apparently I’ve got a bad case of writer’s block.

This is coming off the back of what was probably my most productive week for the blog since the 12 days of anime, so that made the blockage feel that much worse. As an attempt to shake off the rust, I tried writing a response to Haruhi’s vocabularistic challenge at the end of her excellent post, but that too ended with a mountain of crumbled virtual paper. I either can’t seem to find the words quickly enough or my brain decides that this particular configuration of words is far too garbage, personal, or uninteresting to continue.

There’s something about the written word that puts me on edge. It’s a little strange for me to say that after all that I’ve done on this blog and otherwise, but it’s true. For the first month of this blog’s existence, there was only a single post – “A New Line”. The cause of that is probably what’s also keeping me away from writing now. More than just a fear of engagement, I’ve got a fear of the power that comes with the written word.

This comes in two flavors, the first of which relates to the way that you, my dear reader/follower, receives my brand of black text on white background.

Every word that’s spoken, every sentence typed, has impact. There’s a kind of permanence that comes with transmitting your thoughts, feelings, or opinions that can’t, by definition, be removed. This comes with my pseudo-critical seasonal impressions posts, my personal stuff, and every tweet I’ve ever made. Every character in every line has fired some synapses in someone’s brain as long as they’ve seen it. The impression leftover is what shapes the way that you, interact or think about me – and that scares the hell out of me. Let me be clear, for the anonymous reader, this is usually fine, but for the people that I respect the most – I get a little weak in the knees. I’d like to present a competent, normal-ish, or at the very least socially functional version of me to the people I want to interact with (and I realize that this kind of post definitely isn’t helping), but it’s a little hard. So more often than not, I say nothing; I wouldn’t be surprised if this post never saw the light of day. And that means that I fade into the background – a regression back to Lurker B on the Twitters.

And this kind of rumination leads to the second flavor of my weird phobia – the acknowledgement of weakness. I’ve found that putting anything to words gives them life in a way like no other. Verbalizing my internal conflicts or unpleasant emotions brings them into reality, giving them power and making things feel horribly dismal. After taking up writing over the last almost 6 months, I’ve found myself spinning my wheels in thought cycles that take up entirely too much of my time. It’s like once I’ve found a way to phrase my feelings, I needed to get them out. And as you’d imagine, being surrounded by this kind of stuff is not the most uplifting thing.

And to add to all this, I really hate complaining about my problems. It feels like a bit of a sympathy grab and probably puts a damper on people’s day. I sincerely apologize for that, by the way.


I love writing and often enough, it gives me a kind of confidence that I can’t find anywhere else. So I want to continue and I know I will, but there’s more than a couple wrinkles that I need to iron out as a person before I can comfortably write like the rest of the ani-blogging folk.

If a dictionary was all it took to ferry me through these stormy seas, I’d be in Hawaii by now. But since it’s not, I’ll settle with time.

Thanks for listening,

Carriage.

3 thoughts on “Draft Dysphonia

  1. Great post. I really like the way this one flows. In fact I think you explain the potency of public dialogue (i.e blogging) better than I could, which I’m glad for, because now I don’t have to attempt to.

    Teehee.

    Although you explain it well, I would say we differentiate on how we feel about it, since the part you fear is practically what I live for. I suppose we all put on a performance that goes alongside or on top of who we ‘really’ are, but my mask only really hides the unimportant stuff; the wacky, incompetent, clueless ol’ me is always on full display.

    I feel as if communities like this are the best place to throw out your worries. If people don’t accept me, I can just move on, whereas in real life you’re kind of stuck with what you’ve got. People from the same town, same workplace or same household etc.

    It does have limits, so you still can’t get away with the virtual equivalent of streaking, but hey ho, when would you ever need to?

    I daydream and thought meditate all the time (sounds much more graceful than it actually is) so I feel that keenly. No advice here, because I still do it, but I guess it does help more than hinder, however unpleasant it may be.

    Still, you don’t need to be afraid to problem share. Always happy to talk!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Uwa. That really means a lot to me! I really do love seeing people express their natural selves and I /am/ a little jealous of how easily that seems to come for them. And I feel like I really need to learn from that perspective by taking things easy and posting whatever I want. But that’s a hurdle that’s pretty hard to overcome, haha.

      I’m happy to hear that this kind of thing isn’t too much of a bother. (although I suspect that too much of it will be) And as always, thanks for the comment!

      Like

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